“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
This is so wrong 😂
Look Ma, no handle on things
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die