“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?