What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.