What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
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hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.