Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Incredible customer service.

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling