@Cali_Kid_Mike

“What’s math?”

– people who give 110%

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@Laser_Cat

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

@juliussharpe

Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…

@Gooooats

I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.

@sageboggs

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

@TweetsByTheTony

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

@InternetHippo

*gets a series of eyebrow rings*
*hangs little curtains from them to cover my face*