A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
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My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.