4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
– people who give 110%
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Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
DATE: So how long have you lived here?
ME: *dramatically slams the menu on the table* I don’t live in the restaurant, Claudia
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit