Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
– people who give 110%
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All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Nothing like riding a motorcycle without a helmet. The wind blowing through your hair… the warm pavement on your face…
I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.
I’m up for any New Year’s Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn’t require real pants.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
“The book was way better” – hobo trying to burn a DVD for warmth
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*throws in the towel*
*gets a series of eyebrow rings*
*hangs little curtains from them to cover my face*