“What’s math?”

– people who give 110%

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4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*


Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.


Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.


Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?


DATE: So how long have you lived here?

ME: *dramatically slams the menu on the table* I don’t live in the restaurant, Claudia


I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.


[Cop arresting a centipede]
*opens crate of new handcuffs*


“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?


SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8


*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*


today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit