what’s more important?
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.