what’s more important?
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ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
tis the season
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
decorating my apartment
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news