Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

Google Pay be like:

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?