Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine