Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you