what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.