Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Yep.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I want to meet the individual who made this

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Herpes is trending, good job people