Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.