Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?