Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos