Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Apparently there is a mountain high enough.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!

Me: yeah… she’s super tired

Friend: tired?

Me: it’s complicated

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.