Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
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Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them