Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Think I pulled my liver
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.