Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Gemma Correll

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg