Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

I just took a shower…

You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.