Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.