Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

why is everyone yelling about nude ears

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.