Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

A drum solo but on your face.