what’s really going on
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There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?