Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

Anyone want a chair?

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair