What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Asking the real questions!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.