What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.