What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Breaking news:
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E