What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?