What’s so funny?
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Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Happy weekend !
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.