What’s so funny?
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Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.