Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast