what’s some good heavy machinery to operate under the influence for a beginner
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.