what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
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Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options