Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Why does laundry happen to good people?

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it

4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol