What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
When news reporters do sports stories
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
my mom making me talk to relatives
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…