“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Who.
Did.
This?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
That’s it.I’m out.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.