Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!