“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok