Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!

audience member: you mean eligible?

announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”

Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.