Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

me after eating Cheetos

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff