Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

the only organized thing in my life is crime

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!

“Sheer Arrogance”

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.