Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

This is no longer winter this is harassment

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*

Me: Nice work with picking a random password.

Wife: It’s our anniversary.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Sign of the day..

For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.