What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
You Might Also Like
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
mentally somewhere in italy
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Storm Tropical Storm
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw