Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

one week till the election

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Somebody’s lying.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.