Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

He is ready

#meowed #TheMeowedClub

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

Milk Cube

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

😆this is so true

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*