What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My plans: 2020:
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit