What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Krampus.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
my first dose meeting my second
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was