What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head![]()
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*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
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So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
see next tweet for some translations
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I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.