Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.