What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
see next tweet for some translations
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.