Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

Stop.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

[speed dating]

Her: THIS IS NICE

Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO

Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?

Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

That’s what I call a flat tire

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter: