What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
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When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
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