What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
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The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
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Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
They say women only use 10% of their anger
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.