What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
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The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.