What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
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Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
synchronized noseblowing
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya