What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
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Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times