@thats_a_morey

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

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@LinajkReturns

Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.

@KylePlantEmoji

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

@Contwixt

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

@AimeeHelene1

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)

@carlyken

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.