What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
rise and shine we got egg
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Lmao the reply
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.