What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
You Might Also Like
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
first you must answer his riddles
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.