‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Found the job I’m suited for
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw