‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
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Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
relationship goals
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”