Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

that’s really how it is

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

I’m putting together a team

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow