Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.