What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.