@autocorrects

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

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@Storminika

The president says 60% of Americans don’t know math — 60%. So what if 60% don’t know math? What about the 85% that do know math?

@nash_official

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

@Home_Halfway

“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work

@JasonLastname

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

@3sunzzz

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.