Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
LMAO
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?