Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Real House Wines.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk