What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’m tired tomorrow.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
12. I think about this all the damn time
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,