What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Sharon I have some bad news
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I like to win arguments by backing over the other person with my car
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…