Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

translated into Canadian

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.