Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love thy neighbor’s dog

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*

me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

Still my favorite headline of all time:

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.