Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*

My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

A leaf blower, but for people.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please