Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down.

You’re dead now but the argument is over.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.